Desynchronization

I believe I have a slow metabolism. If it has brains, I'd say it's sub-idiotic. If it has character, I think it's sadistic! It doesn't matter how long I starve myself to lose or at least maintain my weight, I would still gain a pound or two if I dare eat 3 times a day.

The only time my metabolism is ever stimulated is whenever I would ingest a cheese burger or a chocolate bar or a bag of crisps. I can almost hear its evil laugh as it tries even harder not to move to ensure that I don't burn a single calorie.

My taste buds are in connivance with my metabolism. It simply would not tolerate anything too leafy, greenish or just plain weird. If my taste buds have gender, I suspect it's female and it's infatuated with my metabolism. Either that or it's just queer.

My brain detest these two but it doesn't have enough willpower to refuse my taste buds every time it bribes my brain with sweets and other palatable dishes which is wrongly accused by self-righteous health-buffs as "junks!"

In all this power tripping and bullying, the real "victim" is my poor body. While some part of it refuses to give in -- my hips, thighs and tummy are just too weak to keep fighting the "system."

My breasts on the other hand, are even more idiotic than my metabolism. It's the only part of my body that should not even dare contradict my metabolism, yet it does. Unfortunately too, it succeeded in maintaining itself as it is. It would have been great had my thighs and tummy have the tenacity of my breasts while my breasts have the slackness and idiocy of my thighs and tummy!

It's a good thing that I still love myself though despite of my imperfections. After all, I'd rather that I stay the way that I am as long as I still get to savor life's flavorful delicacies!

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SOME WORDS OF WISDOM

“I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days.”

~ Totie Fields (American Actress, 1930-1978)

"There is no need to worry about mere size. We do not necessarily respect a fat man more than a thin man. Sir Isaac Newton was very much smaller than a hippopotamus, but we do not on that account value him less."

~ Bertrand Russell

"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond."

~ Mae West

"Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times."

~ Randy Glasbergen

"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."

~ Dolly Parton (My Life and Other Unfinished Business)